Meeting w/t Autumn: April 1, 2015

Well, I'm back now. It's good to see you again, Autumn. I'm going to give you an appearance. Because I need someone I can see in my mind. Not just a name.

You have light blue eyes, long brown hair, and a voice like fencepost (Don't ask. Just a reference to someone. Trust me, it's a beautiful voice). Your favorite color is gray, you enjoy writing music on the guitar as a hobby, and you were born on December 12, 1998. We met last October when both our wards coincidentally went to the Corn Maze in Roosevelt at the same time. I was running from one of my friends and went to cut a corner when suddenly you appeared coming quite fast in the opposite direction. Everything that happened was as straightforward as two people running into each other can be. We both collided and tumbled into the mud. I was pretty alright and easily climbed back onto my feet, but you didn't fair as fortunately. As I helped you up, you cried out in pain the moment you put pressure on your right foot. You had managed to land strangely, twisting your ankle. It wasn't serious, but it hurt. You made sure I knew that. ;) I allowed you to brace yourself on my shoulder and we were able to get back to the fire near the entrance. As we sat near the fire warming our ourselves, you started asking me questions about where I lived, what ward I was a member of, and things like that. I returned the questions, and by the end of the activity we were talking and laughing so hard I totally lost track of time. My group eventually found me, and said it was time to head home. We exchanged numbers, and then parted ways. (Many hugs were had). It was the beginning of the most amazing future. 

So! There is our story together. Well the beginning of it anyway. I care for you so much more now that you're almost human. It's comforting. This is helping so much already. ^-^ 

Meeting w/t Autumn: March 28, 2015

"Give me more loving than I've ever had

Make it all better when I'm feeling sad

Tell me I'm special even when I know I'm not

Make it feel good when it hurts so bad

Barely get mad

I'm so glad I found you

I love being around you

You make it easy

It's as easy as 1-2-1-2-3-4

There's only 

ONE thing (one)

TWO do (two)

THREE words (three)

FOUR you... (four)

(I love you) I love you."

Autumn! I thought I would begin sharing some of the lyrics to Plain White T's song 1,2,3,4. It's amazing, isn't it? Only a few minutes ago, we finished watching the last installment The Hobbit series: The Battle Of The Five Armies. This time more than any, the caring and love between Tauriel and Kili really stood out to me. It was so wonderful and made me smile. Then to have it end was... I can't even begin to describe how sad I felt for Tauriel. Read this: 

Tauriel: If this is love, I do not want it. Take it away, please. Why does it hurt so much? 

Thranduil: Because it was real.

We all have a tendency to withdraw from things that cause us pain, but I'm starting to realize that some things exist in life that will be painful, heartbreaking, and seemingly too hard to be lovely, but it is none the less lovely, in the most beautiful sense, This is being brave enough to say "I care about you so much that pain is of  such little consequence I will endure it, I will feel it, and I will break apart... for you. <3 

Meeting w/t Autumn: March 26, 2015

Autumn! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday. There are good reasons for that. Things were... difficult and broken. I had allowed Satan's lies into my mind and they were ripping me apart. Eventually I found light through prayer. It was a sad, but amazing experience.

Today was happy, but I feel pretty quiet. I told a friend something hard and it didn't work out like I had thought. Not in a bad way, but unexpected. Honestly, I don't know what to think. I don't see it bothering me in the future and it's not a significant issue. Beth says I shouldn't worry, and that there are things I'm not seeing. That's definitely true, but I feel left hanging? Like reaching to shake someones hand, or raising your hand to give someone a high five, but they don't respond and pass by without noticing. It's a little empty and lonely. I'm just telling myself to let her be free and not hold too tightly.

I have school that needs attention. :) Thanks for listening! Goodnight. 

Meeting w/t Autumn: March 24, 2015

Hey Autumn! I only have twenty minutes to write, so I'm just going to skip the introduction. Sorry! I'll make it up to you later. 

I'm so good at procrastinating, and I have barely even begun to check things off the list. It's 3:30pm! Oh. My Gosh. Where did all the time go? Sigh. I'm hurrying! But the problem is I don't feel motivated and I simply don't want to do anything. Yes, I do realize I'm in a bad situation, but somehow that isn't enough to drive me. Plain and simply, I just have to do it. Yep! And I hate how simple it is... for no reason at all. In an effort to not sound like everyone else who says "Just do it", let me explain why you should in fact buckle down and do it. People look for a glorious realization or big flashy sign to get them to work again. They look for it all over and everywhere, only to wind up empty handed. And guess what! I hate to break it to you, but you're looking in the wrong place! The answer is simple, and it's a choice. To do it, or not to do it. Yup, like that. So quit looking for Bigfoot and take your pick.

Well, that is all the time I can spare. See you later Autumn! 

Fix You - Coldplay

Autumn! I have been thinking quite a lot about a song called Fix You by Coldplay. It's a little hard to describe, but I think I can try. The beginning has this sadness about it, and you can feel the desperation that has settled in after so much bad has happened. Just read these lyrics and you'll see what I mean:

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse."

But! Sadness is not the only emotion felt in this song. It also has hope. Look at this:

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you."

Coldplay included both desperation and hope which is crucially important, and I will explain why. But know what I'm about to say is an opinion, so it is liable to be incorrect. That aside, I believe it is important to include both desperation and sadness because it first takes you lower, so you can then be lifted up later in the song and experience true happiness. The song is much more real that way. Think about it. Life isn't all flowers and sunshine, or on the other hand a lightless existence, and a song that is completely sad or happy cannot be an accurate representation of reality. I'm not saying they are bad, lack healing power, or have no relatability - but I am saying they never feel in my mind, like the life I am living now. Autumn, what I want you to take from this song is that life has many different sides to it - light and darkness being examples of sides apparent in reality. Because they all exist together, one should learn to appreciate them all. 

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!” 

Meeting w/t Autumn: March 23, 2015

Hello, friend. I hope you don't mind me calling you that. It is what I imagined you for afterall - to be my friend. That aside, your name is Autumn. It is my favorite season for the colors, smells, memories... I do hope you like it. You were imagined here for a special purpose, and that purpose is to listen. I have no more introduction than that. If it's okay with you, I think I will start now.

March 23, 2015: Our friendship begins.

Hey! I did my best to orient you but I usually miss things, so if you have any questions I wouldn't mind answering them. And I do mean that, Autumn! My friend Abby can vouch for me when I say I don't bite. So! Ask your questions. K? :) Good. Now I think I will tell you about my day.
The day has been long, and I can feel the sun growing uncomfortably hot on my back. I have been busy all day doing this and that, constantly having to revive what few fragments of happiness I have. Honestly, I could do this forever. The notion of killing oneself working is made easier when you know someone amazing is waiting at the end of all things sad, hard, and worrisome. "With open arms" I think.
I ran into Satan a few times today. Well, more than a few times. Reminds me of a quote found in Shakespeare's King Lear. It goes like this:

“The prince of darkness is a gentleman!” 

Fitting, right? Nobody is blatantly evil these days. Evil hides behind smiling eyes more often than not, and looks pretty normal. But know this: while evil can look normal, it will never feel right. Darkness cannot assume the appearance of light, or the power that surrounds it. But it can look acceptable, normal, and enjoyable. You've heard this scripture before, because you have my memories. But I will share it again. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord” (Isaiah 55:8). Do you see Autumn? God's ways are separate from ours. In this manner, our ways may change rise and fall, turn left and right, slow and speed up; but God's ways are constant. Look at this verse in D&C: "What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away." This is how Satan's ways can be identified and set apart from those which are righteous. They will never appear or feel like anything of the light. Sometimes, things that are accepted by everyone seem to be right. I often hear people say "Well everyone is doing it." But Gods ways... they will be forever constant, regardless of how many people live in accordance to the gospel or how acceptable it is. Autumn, don't be afraid to stand in places where your light is the only one shining. I almost said "don't be afraid to stand alone", but that would never be true, because God is with you always.  

I think I am done talking now, Autumn. Thank you for listening. I will see you tomorrow.